Psychological News You Can Use - December 2007

December is a month of many holidays and traditions so our focus this issue is on the many types of stress you may encounter as you celebrate. We also continue to prepare for Pennsylvania Psychological Association's 75th Anniversary, by honoring another Pennsylvania psychologist, Dr. Irwin Hyman. We also begin a series on Tips for a Psychologically Healthy Workplace.

We hope you final these articles timely and helpful. Feel free to forward them to friends and family who may also be interested in them.

Winter is a time when we celebrate many things, both religious and worldly. It is also a time that creates stress and depression for many people. Christmas, especially, is a holiday full of "shoulds:" we should be nicer now (so Santa will visit), we should be more charitable, we should decorate our homes, cook certain foods, send Christmas cards, and of course, buy extra special presents for our families and for our children. Ah, the children. The biggest should of all - We should make Christmas a wonderful day for them, when all their wishes can come true so they'll have these memories to carry with them forever, right?

Wrong. Trying to live up to all these "shoulds" is not a good idea at all.

What happens when our busy lives become even busier with the extra expectations and "shoulds"' that come with the holidays? Going out of our way to keep each "should" actually creates many of the painful emotional difficulties that occur around this time. These "shoulds" basically create the expectation that this one day, December 25th, will be magical, lovely, harmonious, and perfect. Where do these expectations come from? They come from all of us well meaning parents.

Many parents feel badly that Christmas isn't what it was like for them when they were younger or they worry that this Christmas won't be perfect for their children. Finding the right kind and enough gifts often seems to be the only way to achieve that perfect Christmas. Then come the burdens in the form of debt as people try to purchase gifts they cannot afford. This debt is compounded by disappointment when children are not satisfied or not grateful or act as they normally do every other day and have a tantrum or fight with you or their siblings. Why should one day be any more or less perfect than another simply because of the calendar day it falls on?

One suggestion that will allow you and your family to enjoy the Holiday season more is: Let this day be as simple as possible for you and your children. Here are some easy things to do, and not to do, that will help your children (and you) be less vulnerable to depression and stress this time of year:

1) Do not overemphasize the day with heaps of presents and highly stimulating activities that create huge peaks and falls in such a short period of time. An overabundance of presents, objects, food, people, alcohol, and parties creates stress. Even worse, over time, these experiences create expectations that every Christmas in the future "should" be similar, if not better! And don't believe the commercials that portray how 'everyone else' celebrates this time with extravagant gifts. Spare your children this burden by keeping things moderate or by celebrating a little over several days.

2) Use what you already have and be creative: stay out of debt this Christmas. Financial stress is stress for you and for your children. Most children have a lot of playthings already and have trouble putting them all away at the end of the day (sound familiar?). Talk about the different kinds of gifts: store-bought gifts, homemade gifts, and gifts of love. Maybe you won't need to buy much at all!

a. For very young children, begin now to gather up the many toys they already have and put them away. In December, you can wrap them and place them under the tree (no kidding, this really works).
b. For older children, get them one or two things only, offer to give them a freedom they've been asking for (staying up later), or allow a special activity, (sleepovers, multiple parties, more time with the family car). You can also offer a particularly parental gift, such as 'I won't criticize your friends/TV programs/clothing/grades' for one month. Who knows, you both might decide to keep that going.

3) Encourage your children to make, not buy, things as gifts for you. This relieves them of unnecessary future expectations regarding spending and caring. Poems, pictures, handmade jewelry, crafts, and cards with personal messages are timeless and could only come from your child, whether they are 2 or 20. Better yet, encourage them to give you gifts of service (taking out the garbage without complaint, or breakfast in bed). Help your children to develop the memory that they can always show care and affection for someone they love, even without spending money.

4) Keep the TV off as much as possible and mute the commercials. The sole aim of a commercial is to create want where there is none. Commercials prey on you and your children's emotions, promising that happiness and completeness at Christmas can be found by buying and giving objects. Don't buy it.

5) Create family traditions that are inexpensive and easy to repeat each year. Traditions, no matter how simple, have a magic all their own because they reach back into a family's shared memories. You can create a tradition now that will grow in value with each passing year. It can be as simple as watching the same movie together each year, or baking a certain kind of cookie, or playing a game together.

And here is my Holiday wish for you: that you are gentle with yourselves and your children with your expectations during this time. Overly grand expectations make failure and disappointment a likelihood, and pre-holiday stress a certainty. Modest expectations will give everyone a chance to surprise and enjoy each other, and what could be a better gift than that?

Marolyn Morford, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in State College at the Center for Child & Adult Development.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… Holiday lights and decorated houses… Fighting your way through the mall for sales… For some people these thoughts are rejuvenating and festive, but for others these thoughts lead to an overwhelming sense of emotional letdown that can lead us into unhealthy relationships with food.

Unhealthy relationships with food can include:

• Eating, not because you are hungry, but to soothe an emotion (i.e., loneliness, boredom, anxiety)
• Eating mindlessly while socializing
• Not eating all day to "save up" calories for an evening event or party
• Going on a strict "crash" diet after the holidays

Holidays seem to have the power to evoke positive and negative emotions in all of us. Trying to live up to expectations of finding the "perfect gift" may cause anxiety. Feeling lonely may lead us to want to isolate from others and then eat to soothe ourselves. Boredom may cause us to eat mindlessly in front of the television to "zone out" from family stress.

What can you do?

• Assess your hunger. Are you hungry because your stomach is growling or your body needs nourishment or are you trying to feel "emotionally full?" Check yourself to see if you are hungry or trying to avoid feeling your emotions. If you find you are "emotionally hungry," not physically hungry, try calling a friend, journaling, going for a walk, or doing a chore to distract yourself. Recheck yourself after 20 minutes to see if you are still hungry or if you feel satisfied. This may help prevent "emotional eating."
• Enjoy your food and actually taste each bite. Savor it. Try to socialize between eating so you can give your full attention to your food as well as your conversation.
• Continue to eat well balanced meals and snacks throughout the day, even if there is a party in the evening you plan on attending. This will lessen the "urge to splurge" at parties, keeping your diet healthy over the holidays and leading to less guilt.
• If you feel you overindulged during the holidays, try to incorporate more whole foods into your diet (fruits, veggies, and lean proteins). Cut back on processed foods and sugars. Make sure you still get an adequate amount of calories each day.
• Increase your physical activity. This will not only lead to weight loss but exercising also helps release endorphins or "happy chemicals" in your brain to help banish the winter blues.
• Remember, listen to your body. It will tell you when you are hungry, full, or overdoing physical activity.

If you notice yourself eating to satisfy emotional needs or find yourself unable to listen to the signals from your body, you may want to talk to a psychologist or nutritionist to help get yourself back on track. The holidays are busy enough so allow yourself time to feel good!

Michele Reich, Psy.D., is a psychologist at the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia.

If anyone ever needed proof that psychologists make important practical contributions to everyday life, they need look no further than to the life of Dr. Irwin Hyman. A beloved professor at Temple University, Dr. Hyman was a children's rights advocate who founded and directed the National Center for the Study of Corporal Punishment in the College of Education.

Dr. Hyman cared for children and strongly asserted that teachers could educate their students and maintain proper discipline without demonstrating violence by resorting to corporal punishment.

Thanks in large part to Dr. Hyman's more than 35 years of research, leadership, diligence, and outspoken advocacy for children, Pennsylvania became the 28th state to ban corporal punishment in the public schools in 2005.

Included in Dr. Hyman's more than 350 articles, books, book chapters and paper presentations is his book: Dangerous Schools: What We Can Do About the Physical and Emotional Abuse of Our Children: The Case Against Spanking.

Dr. Hyman traveled the country providing expert testimony in cases regarding physical abuse toward students. He was a sought-after television guest and often was quoted in the national press. Dr. Hyman believed that "violence begets violence."

Dr. Hyman was a fellow of the Pennsylvania Psychological Association and a diplomate in school psychology and clinical psychology from the American Board of Professional Psychology. Because of Dr. Hyman's tireless efforts our children will inherit a more peaceful world.

Tip #1 - Workplace Enhancements - A psychologically healthy workplace fosters employee health and well being while enhancing employee performance and productivity.

1) Ensure that employees are asked for their opinions and involved in decisions that affect them.
2) Continually provide developmental training.
3) Continually give performance feedback.
4) Provide fair and equitable salary and benefits.
5) Provide educational programs addressing workplace stress.

Tip #2 - Effective Meetings - Meetings are not an alternative to work, but shared time with others to authentically discuss ideas and values.

1) Get a pre-agenda out at least a day ahead and identify the purpose for the meeting and what is to be accomplished.
2) Let people come and go from the meeting, do not hold people captive.
3) Let everyone know the time in and out; outline decisions, action to be taken, time frame and people involved.
4) To conclude your meetings ask what we all agree on and what follow up action each will take.

A positive thought - I can make a difference in meetings by presenting insightful ideas.
Suggestion: stop having meetings on Friday and just get your work done for the week.

Tip #3 -Leadership Development - Do you have leaders or managers at your workplace? A manager's focus is on the past to the present while a leader's focus is on the present to the future.

1) Clearly define and communicate goals.
2) Establish actions to successfully achieve results for followers and give them credit through recognition.
3) Be flexible and assess changing business needs.
4) Create a leadership environment that is open and encourages differing viewpoints; listen and show concern for people.

Leaders ask questions, solicit input and mentor people.
A positive thought - I can make in difference in people's lives by leading.

Rex Gatto, Ph.D., is a business consultant and owner of Gatto Associates, LLC, of Pittsburgh.

At some point in life, everyone will experience grief in one form or another. Many people find the holidays especially challenging, as they are faced with added stressors and the pressure to get into the holiday spirit despite their grieving. There is no one way to cope with the loss of a loved one, but the following tips may help you or someone you know get through this difficult time:

1. Plan for the approaching holidays. Understand that this may be a particularly emotional time. Reduce some of the traditional activities if you begin to feel emotionally, mentally or physically overwhelmed.

2. Decide with your family and friends which traditions you will be celebrating this year. You might keep some traditions, let go of some, or start some new ones. Do not expect that this holiday will be exactly like every other prior holiday. Focus on your needs and the needs of your family.

3. Take time for yourself. It is important to make sure that you take the time you need to care for and nurture yourself during this typically busy season. Allow yourself to grieve when you need.

4. Don't isolate yourself completely. Although it may seem easier to be completely alone, it is important to surround yourself with supportive people for at least part of the holidays. Reach out to friends, family, and loved ones and share your feelings.

5. Helping others can sometimes help you to feel better. Volunteer in a shelter, buy/cook food for needy families, or help someone you love prepare for the holidays.

6. Communicate your wishes and needs to those around you. Discuss how you would like to celebrate the holidays and do not be afraid to tell family and friends what activities you would like to participate in and with whom you would like to spend your time.

7. Understand that others may be grieving as well. Listen to their thoughts and feelings and try to respect their wishes and needs. They may be coping with their grief differently than you. Children may react in many different ways, and you need to be prepared to deal with any type of reaction, whether it is anger, sadness, or attempting to be strong for you. Communication and compromise are imperative in these difficult times.

8. Avoid additional stress. Try to set realistic goals for the holidays and keep expectations simple. Remember your limits and recognize that this may be a time when you have even less energy than other times of the year.

9. Embrace your memories. Share memories of your loved one with people in your support group, as you are ready. Talk about your grief and the person who has died, and allow your family and friends to share their memories and thoughts about your loved one.

10. Seek additional support if needed. If you find that you are overwhelmed by your feelings and you need to speak with someone, contact a psychologist or a local support group in your area. Do not be afraid to reach out for help.

Christine M. Duprey, M.A., is a graduate student in Psychology at Marywood University, Scranton.

The Pennsylvania Psychological Association spearheaded a two-decade effort to establish that psychologists are qualified to practice psychotherapy in private practice settings, as INDEPENDENT practitioners, culminating in the passage of Pennsylvania's first Psychology Licensing Law in 1972.

PPA has been helping to recruit and coordinate with the American Red Cross the training of psychologists to assist in disaster relief since 1989. As a result of these efforts, there were Pennsylvania psychologists on the scene to help in the aftermath of floods, fires, hurricanes and other natural disasters as well as the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

(Look for more of PPA's accomplishments in our next issue)